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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802039">Don't Touch Me Peasant!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AttackOfTheBourgeoisie/pseuds/AttackOfTheBourgeoisie'>AttackOfTheBourgeoisie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Spierfeld Oneshots For Clear Skin [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli, Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anesthesia, Boyfriends, Bram doesn't know how to deal, College, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gay, M/M, POV Bram Greenfeld, POV Simon, Sickfic, Simon gone wild, Simon is high as a kite, Simon is needy, Wisdom Teeth, medically induced high</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:54:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802039</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AttackOfTheBourgeoisie/pseuds/AttackOfTheBourgeoisie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon wakes up from a wisdom teeth extraction and acts very... un-Simon like. Bram is in for a handful.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Spierfeld Oneshots For Clear Skin [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1690138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't Touch Me Peasant!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Since everyone requested this, here it is. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Simon can’t feel a thing. He can’t feel a god damn thing. And he’s okay with that.</p><p>He also feels really good though he can’t explain why. His brain is super foggy and really colorful all at once, and it feels really nice for some reason. He also feels numb and heavy, but also light and tingly. Like a kaleidoscope on a hammock made out of alpaca fur. Alpaca fur. That’s funny, isn’t it? It’s like llama fur but not really.</p><p>He thinks he’s dreaming. He must be dreaming because what other explanation is there for how colorful his brain is right now? Yup, he’s definitely in a foggy, numb, tingly, kaleidoscope dream and it feels really good and he wants to stay in that dream for as long as possible.</p><p>If only the stupid voices would go away.</p><p>“So which do you think is better? The dorms or campus housing?”</p><p>“The dorms are okay, but I’d say housing is much more convenient. With the dorms you have to share a room with one or two other people, and then share a bathroom with five or six people, which isn’t bad but just imagine five guys trying to get ready in the morning all at once. Not to mention those five guys being incredibly messy. Now with campus housing you still have to share a space but there’s a lot more privacy—”</p><p>Simon groans. Why are the two voices so <em>loud</em>? They’re interrupting his colorful dream! Wait, is he dreaming though? No, he’s not dreaming anymore he thinks. He’s numb and tingly all over, and he feels like he’s been lifted into the heavens, but he still has some sense of himself and reality.</p><p>“But it’s so hard to get approved for campus housing! Every time I look into it there’s either nothing available or I get waitlisted. I don’t know how you two got so lucky with the cute apartment you got, but maybe next year Leah and I can apply—”</p><p>Simon groans louder (he thinks it’s louder than before. His ears are also numb) when the voices don’t stop. <em>Shut up</em>.</p><p>The voices stop. <em>Huh, that worked</em>. He didn’t think it would. Simon sighs in content because <em>finally</em> he has some peace and quiet and can go back to his colorful dream…</p><p>“Si.” The voice is back again. But this one he doesn’t mind of the two. “Si baby, are you awake?” There’s suddenly a smooth hand grabbing his as the voice comes closer. “What did you just say?”</p><p>“I said to shut the fuck up. I’m trying to sleep and you are so loud.” Simon’s words come out slurred and jumbled around the thick fuzziness in his mouth. It’s almost as if he’s lost control of his tongue and his whole mouth in general. Does he still have his tongue? He can’t feel it, or any part of his mouth to be exact.</p><p>The voice laughs. “Sorry about that. We’ll keep it doing. How are you feeling?” The voice is pretty. And velvety. Like a song. Like a really pretty song. Simon wants the voice to never stop talking and to just sing to him all day and bless his ears with its prettiness. But if the voice never stops talking then he’ll never be able to sleep. And he’s really tired, but also really tingly. It’s nice. Simon wishes he could see the person that the voice belongs to but he can’t see anything right now. All he sees is darkness.</p><p>“I can’t see.” He says around the mush in his mouth. “They took my eyeballs and now I can’t see.”</p><p>“Who took your eyeballs Si?”</p><p>“The aliens.” Someone in the background snorts. “They took my eyeballs out of my face and now I can’t see nothin’. Just black.”</p><p>“Simon, nobody took your eyeballs.” The voice explains. “The reason why you can’t see is because your eyes are closed.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Well that makes sense.</p><p>Simon slowly opens his heavy eyelids (the voice was right! His eyes are still there!), squinting from the brightness of the room. He looks around, not recognizing anything in his surroundings. “Where am I?”</p><p>“You’re in the recovery room at the dentist.” The voice says. “You just got your wisdom teeth taken out.”</p><p>Simon looks around for the owner of the voice before gasping. “Bram! You’re here!”</p><p>Bram chuckles. “Yeah, I’ve been here the whole time, through the procedure and everything. I told you I’d stay.”</p><p>“Procedure?” Simon furrows his eyebrows. “What procedure?”</p><p>“Your wisdom teeth extraction.” Bram explains. “You just had them taken out.”</p><p>Simon’s still looking at Bram with the most glazed over expression, and Bram isn’t sure whether or not Simon heard him. He watches as Simon slowly lifts his hand and starts feeling around his cheeks and chin. He pokes a finger at his droopy lower lip before exclaiming, “Those <em>motherfuckers</em>!”</p><p>Somewhere behind him Bram can hear Abby choke on her water. He forces himself not to laugh as he strokes Simons knuckles. “What are you talking about babe?”</p><p>“Those fucking aliens took my lip.” Simon says as he continues to poke his bottom lip. “I can’t feel it. And they took my tongue and my chin.”</p><p>“Nobody took your tongue babe. Or your lip or chin. The only thing they took was your wisdom teeth.”</p><p>“Then where the fuck did my tongue go?” Simon asks, his voice going up a few octaves.</p><p>“It’s still in your mouth. It’s just numb at the moment.”</p><p>“I don’t believe that.” Simon shakes his head as best he can with his head resting on the back of the chair. “I don’t believe that bullshit. They got my tongue and my chin, now I gotta go fuck ‘em up real good.” He closes his eyes and punches the air. “I’m gonna storm Area 51 and mess ‘em up real good, teach ‘em not to steal my tongue.”</p><p>Bram and Abby exchange looks as they stifle their laughter. They were told that the effects of anesthesia can be unpredictable, and largely depends on the patient. Patients tend to be really goofy, really emotional, or really sleepy. Right now, Bram has no idea how to describe Simons state other than that he’s really high and that he’s cursing far more than he normally would. But only time will tell what the drugs will continue to do to him. Bram is happily along for the ride.</p><p>“Ah <em>shit</em>! They took my eyeballs again.” Simon groans in frustration. “Fucking alien pieces of shit took my tongue and my eyeballs.”</p><p>“Si, you closed your eyes again.”</p><p>“<em>Whaaaaat</em>?” Simon draws out the word as he opens his eyes. “Woah. Magic.” He’s glassy eyes roam around the room until the land on Abby. Simon gasp. “Abby! Hey girl, what’s going on?”</p><p>“Hey Simon.” Abby’s visibly amused by Simons state but tries her best not to outright laugh at him. “You feeling okay?”</p><p>“I’m feeling <em>amazing</em> Abby.” Simon flings his arms in front of him haphazardly. “They put me in a kaleidoscope and now I’m floating with the alpacas. Shits real <em>crazy</em>.” Simon giggles. “Alpacas. They’re like llamas but from the Appalachian mountains or wherever the fuck they’re from. Ain’t that some funny shit?” Simon picks his head up and looks at them with his glazed eyes.</p><p>Abby smirks. “Hilarious.”</p><p>“<em>Woah</em>.” Simons head falls back against the seat. “You gotta try some of this stuff man?”</p><p>“What stuff Simon?”</p><p>“Don’t call me Simon. I’m not Simon.” He declares. “I’m Captain America bitch. USA!”</p><p>Abby and Bram exchange a look. She makes a face as if she’s trying very hard not to laugh but is failing. “Okay <em>Captain America</em>, what stuff do we have to try?”</p><p>Simons head lulls back and forth. “Some of that good kush <em>baby</em>. Aliens got the good stuff. That’s why the government keeps ‘em in Area 51. They wanna keep the good kush for themselves. Selfish bastards.”</p><p>“Good kush?” Bram arches an eyebrow. “You mean weed?”</p><p>“Hell yeah. 420 squad up in this <em>bitch</em>.” Simon does a weird motion with his arms like his crossing them in front of his body, but just as quickly as he does that they drop into his lap. His eyes close and he goes limp in the chair, almost comically. To say Bram is flabbergasted by this is an understatement. He’s never seen anyone react to anesthesia like this before, and he’s had to watch Garrett, Nick, and some of his cousins go through the same thing.</p><p>“Are we sure they gave him a healthy amount of anesthesia?” Abby asks, rolling her chair closer to Simon who’s now snoring. <em>He was just awake ten seconds ago, how the hell</em>—</p><p>Bram shrugs. “I think so. But who knows? He was really anxious before the procedure so maybe they gave him a little extra something to calm him down. Even though that’s probably not legal but…”</p><p>“It could be worse, right? He could be crying uncontrollably.”</p><p>“Heh, yeah. Like Nick, remember?”</p><p>Abby laughs at the memory of Nick waking up from surgery and immediately crying “he saw Tupac in his sleep”. Though that was funny (sad, but funny) and Nick had spewed a bunch of nonsense, it’s nowhere <em>near</em> how Simon is acting.</p><p>Neither one of them get to finish the conversation because just as quickly as he fell asleep Simon is up again, eyes wide and unfocused. “420 blazin’ bitch. <em>Wooo</em>, man I’m high as <em>fuck</em>!” Simon yells the last part loud enough for the rest of the dentist to probably hear him. Both Bram and Abby shush him in a bout of embarrassment and humor. “Don’t shush me peasant. I’m Captain fucking America. Show some respect to your country.”</p><p>To both their disdain, Simon doesn’t lower his voice. “Si, you’re being too loud. The whole dentist can hear you.”</p><p>“I’m not afraid of ‘em. If they wanna fight tell ‘em to pull up.” Simon clumsily puts up his fist. “They can catch both these hands any time, any day.”</p><p>Bram grabs both of Simons fists and lowers them into his lap. “Alright babe, just take it easy. We should be leaving in a few minutes so you won’t have to fight anyone, okay?”</p><p>Once again, Bram is pretty sure Simon didn’t hear a thing he said because his glassy eyes are looking at him like he’s seeing Bram for the first time. “Bram, you beautiful boy. You fucking sexy specimen. I love you like how a fat kid loves cake. But I love you more. Will you marry me?”</p><p>Abby gasps. Bram blushes madly, heart pounding excessively. He has to remind himself that Simon isn’t actually proposing. He’s just spewing whatever comes to his fogged up mind. “Simon I can’t answer that right now because you’re drugged up on anesthesia. We can talk about this later when everything is out of your system okay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Well then, he didn’t expect him to agree so easily. “But I’m gonna marry you one day. And when I do I’ma bang the shit outta you.” And with that Abby falls into a heap of laughter, clutching at her stomach as she doubles over. Bram’s cheeks continue to burn. “In the shower, in the car, on the ceiling. We’re gonna fuck all day and all night long ‘til you’re screaming my name. <em>Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you say baby I love you if you ain’t runnin’ game</em>.” Abby falls out of her chair at Simon’s offkey singing, bracing herself against the cabinets in the room.</p><p>That’s the last time Bram let’s Simon listen to Destiny’s Child.</p><hr/><p>Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the dentist gives the all clear for Simon to go home. A couple of nurses bring in a wheelchair since (walking isn’t an option for Simon right now) and proceed to help Simon into the chair. They barely lay a hand on the drugged up man before he snaps. “<em>Hey</em>! Don’t touch me bitch. I am Captain America. Show some fucking respect to your country.”</p><p>Bram’s eyes go wide in horror but neither of the nurses seem phased by Simons outburst. They both promptly grab his arms so he can stand up and lead him to the wheelchair. Simons walking like a baby deer who only learned how to walk right now. He basically collapses into the wheelchair in a heap.</p><p>“I can’t feel my legs.” Simon says as the nurses give Bram the discharge papers. “I can’t feel my face. Aliens took my face and my legs. And my tongue. And my lip. It’s okay though. I got some good kush in exchange. 420 <em>blazin’</em>.”</p><p>Once again, neither nurse seems at all phased. They must have to deal with these types of antics often.</p><p>Soon enough Bram is wheeling Simon out of the room, Abby following close behind. The different patrons of the dentists office watch in amusement as Simon keeps declare, “I’m Captain America. Bow down to your king,” while loudly humming the Avengers theme song. Bram wants to regret introducing Simon to the MCU, but he doesn’t.</p><p>They’re eventually piling into Abby’s car with Abby in the driver’s seat and Bram sitting with Simon in the back seat. To say it was difficult to actually get Simon in the car is an understatement because the minute they tried to get him out of the wheelchair was the minute he decided to fall asleep <em>again</em>, becoming complete deadweight. They tried for five minutes to wake him up before Bram decided to just carry him into the car bridal style. At any other point in time this would be romantic and Bram would thoroughly enjoy it, as would Simon. But it’s much less enjoyable when Simon is drooling blood and saliva and is weighing twice as much as he normally would.</p><p>They do however get in Abby’s car and are eventually driving back to their college campus. Bram lovingly strokes Simons hair, who’s head is currently nuzzled in his lap. He hasn’t budged since he fell asleep in the wheelchair, and Bram wonders when he’s going to wake up again, or if he will wake up again.</p><p>“Thanks again for driving us.” Bram says as Abby stops at a redlight. “You know I would if my car wasn’t in the shop.”</p><p>Abby waves him off. “Don’t even mention it Bram. You know it’s not a big deal at all. You guys are my friends so I’m obviously here to help you whenever I can. Plus there’s no way I was going to miss out on Simon being higher than a kite.”</p><p>Bram chuckles. “Yeah, Leah and Nick are going to be so upset that they missed it.”</p><p>“No they won’t. I recorded the whole thing.” She smiles smugly.</p><p>Bram blanches. “When did you do that?”</p><p>“I was recording the whole time Bram. I’m just good at hiding my phone when I am.”</p><p>“Simons going to hate that.”</p><p>“He’ll get over it. Besides, it’s funny. And it’s only for our eyes. And if he decides that he doesn’t want a video of him after a wisdom teeth extraction to be seen by anyone, I’ll delete it. But he’s going to love it I’m sure.”</p><p>Bram sighs, thinking that Abby might be right. Simon might come to enjoy the video of him being completely out of it even if he does feel embarrassed by it.</p><p>As if on cue Simon sits up, suddenly wide awake. “Blazin’.” He looks around the car as if he’s never seen one before. He’s head falls back against the headrest as he starts to giggle. “Issa spaceship. The aliens took me in their spaceship. We’re going to Area 51. <em>Wooo</em>.”</p><p>“We’re in a car Simon. Not a spaceship.” Bram chuckles.</p><p>“How many times I gotta tell you? I’m not Simon, I am Captain America. Tell Thanos to pull up if he’s not <em>pussy</em>!” Simons yelling again. Bram can’t even shush him because he’s laughing. “Hail Hydra <em>bitch</em>. They don’t want this smoke.”</p><p>And then he falls asleep again.</p><hr/><p>Getting Simon home is an even bigger struggle than getting him into the car. The car ride itself wasn’t very eventful because once Simon fell asleep the second time he didn’t budge until they got back to campus. But he was wide awake again, spewing all types of nonsense the minute Abby turned off the ignition.</p><p>It took all of Bram and Abby’s efforts to get Simon out of the car in one piece, and even more effort to get him to the building he and Bram live in. They basically dragged him into the building as he continuously said things like, “the world is a kaleidoscope ,” and, “I’m Captain America and Thanos is a <em>pussy</em>,” all while other students and residents give the trio questioning looks. It’s the most strenuous thing Bram’s had to do in his whole life, and that includes every time his coaches made him do conditioning in soccer.</p><p>They’re not sure how, but they eventually make it up the stairs and into Bram and Simons shared apartment. Once they’re through the door Simon basically collapses, almost bringing Bram and Abby down with him. They struggle to keep him up and awake long enough for them to get him into bed, but they’re finally sighing in relief when Simon is under the covers and snoring like a warthog.</p><p>Abby let’s out the biggest sigh. “That was difficult. And scary. He wasn’t that heavy before all of this, right?”</p><p>“No, he wasn’t.” Bram kneels by the bed, running his fingers through Simons hair. Simon hums at the touch but doesn’t stir. He’ll probably be knocked out for a while now that they’re home. Bram can’t help but stare at his boyfriend who’s still as beautiful and perfect as always even with swollen cheeks and a slightly bloody lip. He gently kisses Simons forehead before getting up and leaving the room, Abby following suit.</p><hr/><p>The next day when the anesthesia is completely out of Simon’s system and he’s coherent and back to his normal self, Bram decides it’s a good time to take Simon’s mind off the pain and discomfort by showing him his drugged up video.</p><p>And of course he’s mortified.</p><p>“Why am I swearing so much?” He whines from his position curled up next to Bram. “And why do I keep mentioning weed? I’ve never even touched weed?”</p><p>“I know babe.” Bram smirks, looking down at his boyfriend. “You weren’t saying anything that made sense, but I think the weed thing takes the cake as the funniest part.”</p><p>“Yeah, to you.” Simon pouts. “Why don’t I remember any of this?”</p><p>“The doctors said you wouldn’t.” Bram shrugs. “They gave you some pretty strong stuff yesterday so I guess it’s normal to not remember anything. Which is why we have video evidence to remind you of it all.”</p><p>“Forgetting doesn’t sound so bad now that I think about it.” They get up to the part where Simon “proposed” to Bram (which ends up being really shaky due to Abby’s hysterical laughter). Simon’s face burns red. “Oh my god I did <em>not </em>just propose to you while I was high.”</p><p>“You also declared we’d have lots and lots of sex when we do get married.”</p><p>Simons eyes widen in horror. “Bram!” He whines as he buries hie face in Bram’s chest. “No more. I’ve seen enough for today. I’m ready to die of embarrassment now.”</p><p>Bram puts his phone away and gathers Simon into his arms. “You can’t die yet. There’s still a lot I want to do with you before that happens.”</p><p>“Like what?” Simon mumbles.</p><p>“You did mention getting married in your haze.”</p><p>“<em>Ugh</em>. Right. I’m sorry Bram. That’s definitely not the way I wanted our proposal to go. Whenever we do get engaged, I want it to be more meaningful and memorable, and not because of a medically induced high.”</p><p>“Baby I know.” Bram shifts them so he can look at Simon. “And it’s okay. You literally weren’t in your right mind yesterday and were just saying things without a filter. I’m not upset because you accidentally proposed to me while drugged up.”</p><p>Simon nods, closing his eyes as Bram kisses his forehead. “I’m still embarrassed though.”</p><p>“Don’t be.” Bram pulls him closer and gently kisses Simon, taking care not to do anything that will cause him pain or discomfort. He doesn’t deepen the kiss or take things any further, though he can tell that Simon really wants to.</p><p>“For the record,” Simon pulls away first, “there’s a lot I want to do with you <em>and</em> to you before I die as well.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” Bram joins their lips again, this time with slightly more force. It’s still not enough for things to heat up, but Simon melts into it regardless. Simon runs a hand up Bram’s spine, causing Bram to groan into his mouth. He almost forgets his self-control then and there and gives in to all the desire he has within him, but he pulls away instead. He pulls his now pouty boyfriend into his chest again.</p><p>“Too bad we have to wait a week before any of that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song mentioned is Say My Name by Destiny's Child.</p><p>Comments are nice...</p><p>I now have a twitter account where you can submit ideas, prompts, suggestions, or where we can just talk and be friends. The handle is @attack_bourgie.</p><p>-Bourgeoisie</p></blockquote></div></div>
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